The Station, Part 41

My new legs are as if they were made to order. Meaning, if I had to design a set of legs that would maximize my stride yet minimize the energy needed to do so, I would have asked for just these very legs. They make absolutely great sense. Long, lean and with a high arched foot that even comes with its own tread. It’s such a great set of legs that I can’t help but feel thankful. Had I kept my old ones, by comparison short, stumpy and flat footed, I most assuredly would not have made it this up these hills. Which where I stand now, deciding what needs no deciding. Just stalling because I’m afraid. I don’t care what you think.

The tunnel, no, more like a cave opening, gapes at me from the mountainside. A Tunnel Wide, one I know will take me down, closer to my ultimate destination. The hologram in my mind remember? But this one is different; it looks like it supposed to be here, unlike the rest of its brethren, which are so obviously artificial. This one is slightly less than uniform, but still unmistakable for what it is. If it’s like a real cave, I will be in total darkness in very little time. I know the other tunnels had their share of utter darkness, but I had light me then. I don’t have my security blanket anymore. No excursion suit, no food and water stores, no lights. I am truly on my own. It’s not the dark itself that causes me to hesitate, it’s what may be in dark that does. Yet at the same time, I am rather fascinated by this particular opening into the underworld.

I feel like I’ve been here before, in a way. Not déjà vu. More like a kindred experience. I don’t know when or where I would have been in such a place, knowing just how I am reacting to the prospect of entering this Tunnel Wide. When I try to remember, I recall a large room, filled with stalactites and stalagmites of all manner of shape and size. I see them, and then I see nothing. Complete, utter darkness. I remember awe and wonder. Much longer and there would have been fear. Then there was light once again and the cave formations returned. I had learned a lesson that day, whenever and wherever it was. I should know more about this I feel. Something important. Someone important to me…

Well, this memory, if that’s what it is, is all but gone now. I could say that it doesn’t mater, but I know it does. Other things that have been fading away have troubled me. This inverse process of knowledge gained and past lost, are becoming ever more pronounced. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t know what pieces are missing anymore, as my past, especially a childhood I know I had, has become an ever increasing muddy blur. I sit necessary? Must I lose who I am to make room for the new Robert Bradley? A Robert Bradley the world has never seen? I can only hope the loss is a temporary one. A side effect of the physical transformation and the mental influences. I haven’t ruled that possibility out yet.

That still leaves the Tunnel Wide, the Cave Wide more like it. The regret of leaving my lights back there in the savannah is sharp. In my gusto at relieving myself of the suit I had let myself go too far into the moment and as a result I was stupid, careless. It is nothing I can do anything about now, save going back those miles. That isn’t going to happen; we both know it. There is just one direction I’m heading now, and it will never be back the way I came.